Quote of the Day

"If someone saw me in the shower, they'd never think I was on the juice."
-- Jason Schmidt

I can imagine the interviewer in this situation having the most awkward look on his face and Schmidt rocking one of those sly smiles where he knows he just answered that steroid question brilliantly. Even Jose "Woodward and Bernstein" Canseco would have to be impressed with Schmidt's response. Well maybe not. Fucking A I hate Canseco...

Sorry But I Have to Put This Up for Those People Who Haven't Seen It

This might rival the Josh Smith Block in his highlight video I posted for most athletic thing ever done by a human being, although I'm not entirely convinced that Shannon Brown is human. This is the last one I'll put up because everything else will just look JV after this.

J-Smooth hates Nazis

Athlete of the Day---Josh Smith

J-Smooth is one of the most underrated players in the NBA. Everyone knows he was actually a prototype rocket ship developed by NASA, but he had an attitude problem, so they sent him to the NBA. He can literally jump to infinity and beyond. He's always been labeled a dunking, shot-blocking virus who just can't grow up. Well over the off-season, he grew up. He's averaging almost 16 points 9 rebounds 2 blocks and 4 assists per game. In the month of February, he's averaging over 18 points 9.4 rebounds and over 5 assists per game. He is also shooting over 50% from the field for the first time in his career. With the exception of Tim Duncan, I'd say J-Smooth is the best passing power forward in the NBA. Perhaps the best thing he did this off-season was realize that he can't throw a basketball into the Atlantic Ocean from beyond the 3 point line. He has only attempting 6 three pointers all year, and they have all been at the end of the shot clock or a quarter. Up until this season, he has averaged 94 three point attempts per year. He's taking smart shots, he isn't taking plays off, and his picture is still in the dictionary next to the words block, swat, dispatch, and athlete. Josh Smith not making the all star team this year was almost as big a snub as Ty Lawson not making the Rookie team. Almost.


watch the entire video..best highlight mix I've ever seen. No one in the history of basketball can take off from that far away, cock it back so his arm is like parallel to the ground, then throw it down hard as shit. All done in game, in traffic, and on the fucking reg.

PS, The block at 38 seconds might be the single most athletic thing a human being has ever done.

Laron Landry is the Anti-Tits

It makes me sick to watch football players talk shit after every SINGLE tackle. It's even worse when they talk shit after making a tackle when the guy gets a first down. Enter Laron Landry. I don't think he understands that making a tackle is his job and he doesn't need to celebrate it like he just fucked Brooklyn Decker. Landry thinks that he is God's gift to earth when in reality, he hasn't lived up to the hype. The Skins signed him out of LSU to a 5 year $41 Million contract. I'll admit Landry is a big hitter and can change the momemtum of the game with one hit, but it seems that if he can't do that he will just give up on the play. Landry had to of injected some of those steroids into his lips because no person could do that much shit talking without their mouth going numb by the second half. Now I know I'm not even close to the having the same knowledge about Landry and the Skins as my collegues, but Landry would piss me off if he were on any team (Not to mention this is reaction to Tiny's shit talking about A-Rod).

Luckily we have Brandon Jacobs to put Landry in his place

Do the Crime...Wait 8 years...Then do the Time

Former NBA player Jayson Williams is finally going to jail 8 years after killing a limo driver. Williams was showing some friends his gun collection when a double barrel shotgun he was holding accidentally went off, hitting the driver, and subsequently killing him. He then convinced everyone in the room to lie for him in an attempt to cover it up.

What a load of shit. How does it take 8 years to put someone in jail for manslaughter, especially after trying to cover it up? This guy has been dodging jail time like liberal hippies dodged the draft during Nam. You would think that any person lucky enough to escape jail this long after killing someone would try to be a decent person. Jayson Williams is no such man. Since his initial arrest and trial for manslaughter he has had a few more run-ins with the law. In 2009 he got tasered by NYC police in a hotel room for being drunk and causing a scene. Not even a month later he was charged with assault in Raliegh for punching some dude in the face outside a bar. Finally, to top it all off he was arrested last month for DUI. If things weren't bad enough legally, his wife just divorced him too. Talk about shitty luck. So after 8 years of typical scheming by his lawyers the man has finally been sentenced to 5 years in jail. Miraculously, Williams will only serve about 18 months of his sentence. How is it possible that guys like Williams and Dante Stallworth only serve months for killing people and guys like Plax serve years for shooting themselves? I think its pathetic, and I've got no sympathy for this scumbag.

Team USA Hockey defeats Swiss 2-0

(See any difference? I dont.)

With a 2-0 win over Switzerland, Team USA moves into the semifinals of the Olympic Hockey Tournament. This is the most excited I've been about hockey since Adam Banks and Charlie Conway led the Team USA Ducks against Iceland in D-2. No matter what happens the rest of the tournament, USA has a shot at a medal.

From what I can tell, this was a pretty dominating performance by the U.S. We out shot Switzerland 44-19. Thats absurd. Whats even worse is that they led in shots 32-8 after two periods. How do you only get off 8 shots in 40 minutes of hockey. Everyone knows that the US only win because of Ryan Miller. The Swiss didn't even make Miller win the game for us, he probably made tougher saves in warmups. Pathetic. Maybe if the Swiss actually fought a war once or twice they would know how to win at sports. But alas, they are pacifist fags and couldn't stand up to the vicious blitzkrieg that is Team USA Hockey. By beating Europeans at their game, America is once again proving its dominance over the rest of the world. The only thing that can derail this train is if coach Ron Wilson goes and gets ice cream in the Olympic Village with the Russian or Canadian trainer. That would suck.

Imagine this video, but replace Gunner Stahl with Sidney Crosby, and Julie the Cat with Ryan Miller

I Wish ESPN Would Stop Showing UNC Games

So the Carolina vs. Florida State game has the 7 pm eastern standard primetime slot on ESPN tonight. As people know, I'm an enormous fan of the Heels, but come on ESPN. Enough is enough. It's starting to seem like they get some sick pleasure out of showing Carolina lose on national TV. We all know they suck, so stop fucking showing them because I don't want to watch, but my powder blue blood won't let me ignore the game. If you have to show an ACC game, show BC and Virginia Tech thug around and get physical. That's way more entertaining than watching the Heels lose. It's fucking old news. But ESPN is all about old news like when they aired the mascot eating the cheerleader like 3 hours after an amateur blog posted it.


I miss Ty Lawson

Quote of the Day

(Alex Rodriguez, fucking douche)

"Therapy is a good thing ... it can be therapeutic."
-A-Rod

I can't stand the Yankees, and I really can't stand A-Rod. The guy is a douche and a cheater. Can't really hold cheater against him though because everyone cheats in baseball, so were stuck with just douche.

One of A-Rods biggest knocks has been that he hasn't been able to come through in clutch time. I used to believe this until I actually went back and looked through his numbers, but only once in the past 5 seasons has he batted below .300 from August- October. That was in 2008 when the Yanks sucked and missed the playoffs despite spending $ out their ass. It also doesn't hurt that he averages like 10 bombs and like 25 RBI's during those months either. Makes me hate him even more that one of his biggest criticisms isn't even true. Maybe that therapy is the key..too bad he couldn't hack it on his own.

NBA Draft Profile---Wesley Johnson

Since Wesley Johnson transferred from Iowa State he has emerged as a huge star. His production has dropped since Big East conference play started, but he's still the most important player on a winning team. He's a classic college small forward who could potentially be a big shooting guard in the NBA. At Iowa State, he was a streaky outside shooter who could hit it when open, but he's emerging as a pure shooter. Johnson is extremely long and athletic. He has great rebounding instincts pulling down almost 9 per game. He's an underrated defender who averages almost 2 steals and 2 blocks per game. He's able to be so deadly because he draws the defense out because of his shooting ability which allows him to pump fake and drive for an acrobatic dunk, layup, or midrange jumper. Like many college players, he needs to add a little bulk to his wiry frame, but that shouldn't be an issue once he gets into the league. He also needs to work on his passing. He seems to lose his aggressiveness on offense sometimes and just flat out doesn't look to score. Once he gets that killer instinct, he'll be a deadly 20 points per game guy in the NBA.

Ceiling- Tracy McGrady
Probably- Jerry Stackhouse
Floor- C.J. Miles

Athlete of the Day---Bryan Whitt

So there's this high school wrestling phenom down in Virginia Beach who absolutely runs the 119 pound weight class. Bryan Whitt, a senior at Cox high school in VB, won his 5th consecutive Virginia state title (4 at Norfolk Academy 1 at Cox) this year. He didn't grind his way through the tourney with a bunch of close matches, he Jerome Bettised the bracket pinning everyone in the first period. He probably could have just stood in the middle of the mat and let all 5 guys come at him at once pinning all five at the same time. 2 with his arms, 2 with his legs, and 1 with his head. He is currently the ranked 6th among seniors in his weight class in America and 1st in the southeast. He was also one of those kids in the Faces in the Crowd section of Sports Illustrated which is fucking legit. Reminds me of my high school golf glory days minus the accolades and dominance.

At the beginning of the video I was thinking to myself, "psh, this little dude wouldn't stand a chance against my thunderous pile drivers and bone crushing people's elbow. I've got 60 pounds on him. I'll just throw him into the crowd, grab a folding chair, and go to fucking work." My feelings of supremacy lasted about 10 seconds. I don't know much about real rassling, but I know I wouldn't stand a chance against this kid even if we started the match with me having him in a sleeper hold. I mean I was feeling for that poor dude in the black. Make sure you pay close to his right arm from about 1:05-1:10. Now I'm no doctor, but that shoulder is dislocated as fuck. Whitt just gets up and walks away like a fucking badass. He probably pointed at his next opponent and just nodded his head. Queue the George Brett pant shitting moment for that doomed kid.


PS, the last athlete to come out of Cox with this much hype went on to D3 golf superstardom and immortality.



thanks nuzzy

NFL Combine Begins Today

For Stat Geeks everywhere, Christmas has come early. The NFL Combine which begins today, marks the beginning of the 2010-2011 football season. Over the next few days in Indianapolis hundreds of scouts will descend upon the Big Oil Drum to watch players perform a variety of different drills and workouts. The NFL typically invites around 300 prospects to participate. However, just getting an invite doesn't guarantee getting drafted and not getting an invite isn't the end of the world. A lot of Pro-Bowlers in the league never went to the combine or even got drafted.

The combine does however provide players a chance to either solidify or vastly improve their draft status. Having a dominate performance at the combine can boost players who really belong in the middle rounds to the 2nd or even 1st rounds purely based on workout numbers. On the other hand it can really hurt a player if they don't perform well. Many of the iffy prospects like Tebow wait until their pro-day to work out for scouts because the environment is more controlled and player friendly. I feel like a lot of the combine stuff like the 40 yd dash is hype and most of the stuff isn't that important in determining who can be a good NFL player. Although, it certainly does provide a starting point for teams though in their evaluation process. In the end, the combine is really the most beneficial for mid-round prospect who, with a good workout can boost their stock and earn themselves a few extra mill. Even if they end up sucking in the pro's, you can't hate the dude for making bank by impressing some scouts by running fast as fuck.

Kornheiser vs. Storm

ESPN has suspended Tony Kornheiser for two weeks from PTI after he made some not so nice comments about Hannah Storm on his radio show last week. After seeing her outfit on Sports Center, Tony had the following to say,

Hannah Storm in a horrifying, horrifying outfit today. She’s got on red go-go boots and a catholic school plaid skirt … way too short for somebody in her 40s or maybe early 50s by now.

She’s got on her typically very, very tight shirt. She looks like she has sausage casing wrapping around her upper body … I know she’s very good, and I’m not supposed to be critical of ESPN people, so I won’t … but Hannah Storm … come on now! Stop! What are you doing?

First things first, I think Hannah Storm is an absolute bombshell most the time, especially considering shes 50 or something absurd like that. I guess this outfit does look pretty retarded, but I can't understand the over-the-top outrage over Tony's comments about it. Some people are already calling for TK to be fired over it. ESPN would be moronic to do this, PTI is the best show the network has and it suffers big time without Tony. I guess the network is being really careful about sexual harassment type deals, especially considering the fallout from ESPN MLB anchor Steve Phillips' scandalous affair with this hag. I see it as ESPN being jealous and trying to check Tony's ego after he recently won the prestigious "REGgie" for best sportscaster of the year. If I won in as big of a landslide as Tony did my ego would be through the roof more than normal, and I'd probably say whatever I wanted to without any fear of repercussions. So fuck ESPN for being spineless cowards, and Goodnight Canada.

PS- If ESPN really wants to boost rating for Sports Center get these two as the anchors:

Score One for Patriotism

According to ESPN.com Josh "the terrorist" Howard is out for the rest of the season just 3 games after being acquired by the Wizards. He got hurt in the first quarter last night against the Bulls, and I couldn't be happier. Howard was playing fine, helping the team win 2 of 3 games including a win over the awesome Denver Nuggets, but with the bigger, and more talented Al Thornton at small forward the Wiz looked like a playoff team. They played hard and with passion and managed to beat the surging Chicago Bulls. The Bulls came to the Verizon Center winners of 6 of their last 7 games and 8 of their last 10 road games. The Wizards fought back after being down ten at halftime to win by 6. They've scored over 100 points in every game since the trade deadline. The Wiz had reached 100 points just twice in 12 games leading up to the trading of Butler, Jamison, Stevenson, and Haywood. I love to see them winning and playing well, but they need to chill because they're ruining their chances of getting a top 3 draft pick.


PS, sweet braces metal mouth.

Athlete of the Day---Warren Sapp

Warren Sapp is, without a doubt, the most athletic fat person to ever live. Remember those skills challenge things? He was like a big black ballerina out there with Barry Sanders-like agility, Mack truck power, and fucking crazy eyes. That's a killer trio of physical gifts for a defensive tackle. On the field he stuck fear in the eyes of everyone and their loved ones. He was cocky, crazy, thuggish, and fucking awesome at football, but that's no surprise because it's what football players learn at freshmen orientation at the U. He's had his share of off the field issues. The most recent being is arrest for the assault and battery of his girlfriend. Apparently she was left with a swollen knee and bruises on the back of her neck. I mean it's obvious she was dropping back for a pass, and he executed a flawless swim technique on the left tackle and speared her from her blind side. Classic case of getting Sapped. Anyway, as everyone knows, he put those fantastic feet of his to work on Dancing with the Stars and got runner up. To me, that's fucking incredible.

Top 5 commercial ever

NBA Draft Profile---Greivis Vasquez

One name that is completely overlooked by draft analysts is Greivis Vasquez. He's a senior pg/sg for Maryland. I absolutely hate him. He's a greasy, arrogant fuck with gelled hair and trash facial hair, but he's got a lot of NBA potential. Vasquez is a 6'6" PG in the Penny Hardaway mold. He can rebound, shoot, is a great floor general, and might be the best passer I've seen in the ACC since Ed Cota. For his career he averages 16 points, 5 rebounds, and 6 assists. This year he's added a much more consistent 3 point shot to his repertoire, which I think should put him in the first round, but most "analysts" have him 2nd round to undrafted which is preposterous. He's a top 3 sleeper in this draft.

Ceiling- Penny Hardaway/Tyreke Evans (with a better outside shot)
Probably-no one
Floor- Shaun Livingston

Andray Blatche is a Fucking Star

I've said it ever since he came into the league 4 years ago. Andray Blatche probably isn't a name you've heard much unless you're a Wizards fan or are severely into the NBA. He is beyond freakishly talented. It's hard to explain how talented he is because you have to watch him to understand. He's 7 feet tall, ultra coordinated, has awesome fundamentals, and is cocky as shit. He gets rebounds and, if the outlet isn't there, just takes off down the court dribbling like a guard coast to coast for a lay up or dunk. How many 7 footers can do that? I'll give you a hint. It rhymes with hero. He's had some issues with complaining about not getting shots, but with Jamison gone, he'll get plenty. In fact, since Jamison was traded, Blatche has averaged 25 points 10.3 rebounds shooting 60% from the field in 32 minutes. He's only 23, so look for Blatche to turn into a perennial all star for a decade to come.

And the Reggie for Idiut of the Year Goes to...

Gilbert Arenas of course. He is cleaning up this year already winning ruined career of the year. He was the obvious choice considering he brought fucking guns to the locker room. That's generally frowned upon in the NBA. I don't know what they do in that dog and pony show they call the Warrior's organization, but that just doesn't fly in DC. DC has enough issues with guns Gil. They're so sensitive about it that they changed the team name from the Washington Bullets (the sweetest team name and uniforms ever) to the Wizards.

Speech:
"Wow I never thought I would be standing up here accepting my 2nd Reggie. I've already thanked my sponsors Smith and Wesson, Glock, etc so I just want to thank the good Lord for this one. And my mom for raising me to be a good man and a good citizen."


PS, thanks to those of you who voted for me. I got 2nd in the voting. It's truly an honor to be considered the biggest idiut of the year. I know who the person who wrote in Bret Parnell is (Brad), and I'm guessing he had some influence in the fact that the other two people who wrote my name in spelled it with one T. If he didn't tell you to do that, my name is spelled with 2 Ts. Get it right.

Quote of the Day

"I believe nicotine plus caffeine equals protein."
- John Daly

Daly is one of the most recognizable and controversial players to ever play golf. He has a unique personality that attitude that makes him either someone you hate or someone you love. Personally, I think he is the shit because he can hit the ball far as fuck. Daly has been known more for his drinking, smoking, and gambling habits than his golf game. He also slams like a 12 pack of diet coke a round to go along with a few packs of cigs. That can't be good for you. His last run in with the law was in 2008 when he was detained outside a Hooters for being shithammered. A lot of people think Daly has been a waste of talent. He's only earned 5 PGA victories in his career. However, he admitted in his autobiography that he's lost somewhere between $50-$60 million dollars gambling over the last 15 years. If you can earn and lose that much money being a "waste of talent" then sign me up. Long John has recently made a comeback to the PGA after losing a shitload of weight and seems for the moment to have moved on from his past struggles.

Bode Gets His Gold

So yesterday was basically awesome if you're an American. Not only did we ice skate better than the Canadians, but the coolest dude in the Olympics, Bode Miller, won gold in the super-combined event. Winning gold in this event means you're the best skier in the world. It's not like winning gold in downhill or slalom, it's like winning gold both at the same time. I bet Bode gets diamonds encrusted in it to show that it's better than a normal gold medal. Both he and Lindsey Vonn are sticking it to foreigners and winning golds with significant injuries. Just one more reason why I think America's the best country country and all others just aren't as good. That used to be called patriotism.

Athletes of the Day---The USA Hockey Team

Do you believe in miracles? The United States of AMERICA beat those cocky Canadian fucks last night 5-3. I don't know if a there is a country in the world that is as arrogant about a sport as Canada is about hockey. Maybe it's because they fucking blow at everything else. I'm not saying we're better than Canada at hockey. In fact, I don't even want us to be considered better than Canada at hockey because I love the underdog tag. I mean hockey is a sport that's popular in like 3 states. Massachusetts, Maine, and Minnesota. Canada, as a nation, is defined by hockey. I hope Canada feels even more like our retarded cousin (to quote Tucker Carlson) because I can think of like 5 sports and 3 casual games that Americans care about more than hockey.

As for the game itself, Canada got shots on goal whenever they wanted as they outshot America 45 to 23. This would have mattered if goalie Ryan Miller wasn't a fucking concrete wall with a glove and a stick. I don't care if Gordan Bombay triple dekes glove side in the upper corner, nothing is getting by Ryan Miller. I'm not the world's biggest hockey fan, but I'm learned enough to know that 45 shots on goal and 42 saves is fucking dominant. The NHL leader in saves per game averages like 31. Out of like the 364 hockey games that goalies play every season, they might have that many saves 3 times, so to do it in the Olympics against a team ridden with future hall of famers means something. I'm not downplaying the performance of the US offense. 5 goals on 23 shots? I mean I know Brodeur is old as shit and he's been in the NHL since I was 2 years old, but he's one of the greatest goalies in the history of the sport, and Brian Rafalski made him look totally JV. I know this rant is a little premature considering Canada wasn't eliminated, but it sent a message to the world. And that message comes in the form of a song (see video)

Athlete of the Day---John McEnroe

John McEnroe AKA the Bad Boy of Tennis has done great things for the game of tennis. McEnroe was not known for a power game, but rather for his serve and volley mastery. He was also known for his fiery passion and on the court rampages screaming things like, "Are you fucking serious! That ball was in!" Since retiring from tennis, Johnny Mac is a great commentator and his image has been somewhat repaired because of his intelligence about the sport. I'd like to compare Mac to Bob Knight. Both men were extremely controversial in their playing and coaching days because of their antics and childish behavior, but I feel like this passion is what has made them so successful. As commentators Knight and McEnroe are in a world of their own and it seems the public has the same perception.

Out of all the hysterical Johnny Mac quotes this is my favorite: “If you believe that [Anna Kournikova's claim that she is a virgin], I've never questioned a call in my life.” Mac never shys away from his antics nor apologizes, but he actally celebrates it...which is just fucking awesome. Mac's cameo in Mr. Deeds with Adam Sandler is another example of this. The clip is long but pause it and watch from the 7:30 mark to 8:20 and you will not be disappointed because it's fucking hilarious.


"WHAT KIND OF DRIVING IS THAT!? YOU'RE A FUCKING DISGRACE!!!!"

Tiger Apologizes

As everyone knows, Tiger Woods issued a scripted apology on TV today. Personally, I thought it was exactly what he should have done, and he handled it well. HOWEVER, Tiger, buddy, why the fuck would you go and tell America that you're a Buddhist? If there's any question over whether he wrote the apology or not, there's your answer. Buddhism is about as popular in
America as like Haitian Voodoo (below). If you're looking to get the middle to upper class white men and women back on your side, don't go telling people that you were a Christian, but you've recently gone back to Buddhism like when you were a kid. That's PR 101. If you aren't a Christian, leave religion out of it. So if people can just look beyond that like nugget of information, Tiger is on the right track to getting his image back. Maybe he should have gone with the TO approach.






"You no help me now, I say Fuck you Jobu! I do it myself"

And the Reggie for Team of the Year Goes to...

The New Orleans Saints? Come on ya'll how bout the heels? How about the Yankees or the Lakeshow? To make matters worse, it was a landslide. They got 55%, Bama 25%, Heels 15%, Yankees 5%, and the Lakers 0%. Maybe I'm alone here, but I bet the Colts would win 9/10 games against the Saints and the Vikings would win at least every other game.


Speech:
"Geaux Saints! Who dat?! This cements our titles as America's team, even though we're more French and Cajun than real American."

Athlete of the Day---Air Bud

I think Air Bud made every little kid want to throw a ball at his dog's face and see if he would hit it with his nose into the basket. I guarantee you that zero of the dogs actually made it, and little Timmy isn't allowed to play with Rover anymore. Buddy was the shit. To go from being an abused clown dog to achieving middle school basketball glory is truly incredible. When it comes to golden retrievers and labs, I'm an absolute softy. When Josh yells "Go on! Get! I don't want to anymore!" and throws the ball at Buddy, I lose it, and this liquid comes out of my eyes. If you don't tear up at that then you and Michael Vick can fuck off somewhere. Anyway, Buddy was the best shooter in the history of basketball. He literally never missed. Ever. You would think that bringing the fucking rain like that would get to his head, but Buddy was a teammate first and a superstar second. Yeah he could have gone for 50 every night, but he wanted to make sure Josh made the squad and got some PT. Buddy decided to hang up his Nikes and try his luck at like every other sport imaginable. I mean I wouldn't be surprised to see "Air Bud: Golden Archer" on the shelf at Blockbuster.

PS, look at that face. He just drained the game winner and all the little kids are jumping around screaming like fags, but Buddy is still staring down the kid whose eye balls he just wetted that J in. This is my house! Cold blooded.

NBA Draft Player Profile---Hassan Whiteside

Hassan Whiteside is one of my favorite draft prospects this year. He's a freshmen (he's 20) at Marshall. I'm sure you've never heard anything about him unless you follow the NBA draft prospects. He's a legit 7 feet 235, but he looks bigger than that. He's got BIG time NBA center written all over him. With the exception of John Wall and Evan Turner, he has the most potential to be a Hall of Famer in this draft class. He averages 13 points 9 rebounds and a ridiculous 5.2 blocks in only 25 minutes. He's ridiculously athletic. Not quite like Dwight Howard, but he's in the same ballpark. You just don't see freshmen averaging 5 blocks per game. Period. His instincts on both ends are remarkable which means, given his age, his ceiling is scary high. I hate using the term raw, sooo I'm not going to. He doesn't always capitalize on offense, but his post moves are a lot more crafty and polished than most people give him credit for. Although he looks big, plays big, and powerfully explodes off the ground, he's going to need to put on 30 pounds to bang with NBA 7 footers, but with his frame, I don't see that being an issue. People always use that as a criticism, but its really hard for big young guys to put on weight in college basketball. They don't have access to nutritionists and they also don't have special big man practice programs that help keep them from losing weight. In college if you're coach is pissed, everyone runs until you Ralph Sampson on the court. If you're coach isn't pissed, everyone still runs until you're on the verge of Ralph Sampsoning.

PS, He's 2/3 from the land of plenty.
PPS, his dad played for the Minnesota Vikings

Sorry about the quality. His only other highlight mixes are from highschool


Ceiling- Hakeem Olajuwon/Shaq
Probably- Alonzo Mourning/Marcus Camby
Floor- Saer Sene (Harsh I know but he was supposed to be sweet)

What to Watch For

We've been waiting 2 and half months for the Tiger to speak, and our prayers have been answered. Woods is set to make his first public appearance since November on Friday at 11 A.M. at the TPC Sawgrass country club. Little has been said about Tiger on SportsOnTheReg even though it has been voted as one of the most controversial subjects in the previous decade. I usually leave Golf analysis to the creator of this site, SportsJesus, because he follows the sport closely and currently plays college golf. But I have a feeling this topic can relate to everyone.
Personally, I was a huge fan of Tiger before the incident but my opinion of him has changed dramatically. Charles Barkley was right when he said "athletes are not role models." On the field, yes, but off the field the general public has no idea what their favorite athletes are doing and its hard for us to imagine because their lives are dramatically different than the Average Joe. Tiger Woods is the single most important person to the game of golf. He started a generation of young,exciting players that not only connect with middle-aged men but also with kids. None the less, the time has come for Tiger to look ahead to the future and get back on the path of breaking Jack Nicklaus' Major records.

I encourage everyone to tune in to the press conference on Friday. If this is not enough assurance to watch and you like to gamble, I suggest you put down some money on these lines. A British bookmaker has set odds at 4-to-7 that Woods wife, Elin, will be with him. He didn't stop there, however. It offers 8-to-1 odds that Woods will announce he is getting a divorce, 12-to-1 odds that his wife is pregnant and 100-to-1 odds that he is retiring.

My money's on that one of his cocktail waitresses is pregnant. I wonder what the line on that is?

Quote of the Day

"Today is Jimmy Hatter's birthday -- he's the gay guy we got workin' behind the scenes, y'all. We hire them all at TNT. We do not discriminate. We hired the pimp last year, Craig Sager, and now we got Jimmy Hatter. We got all the ethnic groups covered."
-Charles Barkley

Geez queue the awkward silence and the production team scrambling to cut it in that like 10 second live delay. As he was talking you know some producer was in his ear like Ramathorn to Farva when he was going to call that guy a chicken fucker, "easy Charles, EASY CHARLES!"

And the Reggie for Play of the Year Goes to...

Tracy Porter's pick six in the Superbowl. It was hard to come up with nominees for this category, but I think this would have been a no brainer no matter what plays I put up. I could not believe my eyes when Reggie Wayne and Peyton fucked up their lockdown guarantee play good for at least 10 yards every time. They could run that play at night, blackout drunk, and blindfolded and complete it every single time. Divine intervention is the only plausible explanation, so that's what I'll go with. Sorry Tracy. God gets credit for that play.
Tracy Porter 63%
Lebron's game winner 21%
AP's run 16%

Speech:
"Damn I must be the best cornerback in the league. Pickin off legends is my job, and nobody does it better than Tracy. Oh, if Brett Favre retires, you can thank me. Who Dat say dey better than Tracy?"

Cavs land Jamison

(Look at Varejao's bitch ass after a patent flop)

Cavs GM Danny Ferry was able to swing a trade that brings Antawn Jamison to Cleveland. Jamison is the stretch 4 that Cleveland has coveted for over a year. Recently there have been a lot of rumors about the Cavs going after Amare Stoudemire, but the two sides couldn't come to an agreement. In the long run, landing Amare would have been better. He's much younger than Antawn and his contract is up at the end of the year. Had they been able to trade for him, Lebron and Amare could have formed a dangerous tandem for the next 4 or 5 years.

Despite not landing Amare, the Cavs are really happy with getting Antawn. This trade really was a steal for the Cavs. They only gave up Big Z and a 1st round pick. The Wizards won't be able to sign Z because they are over the luxury tax, and will subsequently have to buy him out. This means the Cavs sign him back in 30 days. If this all goes to plan the Cavs didn't give up a single player on their roster for a legit starter and former all-star. Thats called highway robbery. Had they traded for Amare they would have had to give up JJ Hickson, who many believe has the potential to be a legit PF in years to come.

Antawn should start immediately and replace JJ Hickson in the starting lineup. This solves two problems. One, JJ is the weak link on the best defense in the NBA. I'm not saying Antawn is some defensive genius, but he's an upgrade. He will fit nicely in the system and benefit from being around players who actually thrive on playing lockdown D instead of lazy morons like Agent Zero.

The second problem Antawn fixes is he provides a reliable scoring option from the PF position. Hickson could develop into a consistent offense threat in the NBA, but he's not there yet. The Cavs other option at PF is Andy Varejao. Varejao is known more for flops than offense, and watching him try and make a jumper is painful. Jamison can come in immediately and upgrade the Cavs already dangerous offense. He provides a consistent scoring threat every night and is also someone who can create his own shot. The Cavs offense tends to go stagnant every now and then, and having someone besides Lebron as a offense catalyst will be huge. Antawn doesn't need to be the focal point of an offense either. He was the third option with the Wiz in their "prime". He’ll be willing to adapt his game. Antawn hasn't played with a great facilitator like Lebron either. He probably had to pay Gilbert to pass him the ball all these years. With Lebron being dominant and Shaq taking up two guys down low, Twan is going to be free to plant both feet and show us that the mid-range J is not a lost art.

The only part of this trade that I don't like is Antawn's contract. He's got two years left and is owed a bunch of cash. He'll be 35 by the time the deal is done. If he plays well this year and next, no big deal, but if he flops, the Cavs will be stuck with his contract and will be unable to move him. We also had to take Sebastian Telfair's bad contract (who knew he was still around). This trade wasn't a complete slam dunk, but it was the best option out there. The Cav's had to do something, and this move gives them the best chance at winning a ring for the King.

Athlete of the Day---White Goodman

In the spirit of the IM dodgeball season getting under way, I thought I would write about one of the most dominant figures in the history of the ADAA (the American Dodgeball Association of America). With his charisma, inflated dick, and affinity for breaking mental and physicals sweats, White captured the hearts of many dodgeball enthusiasts. His one liners were amazing from "Hey I'm White W-H-I-T....E" to "Cram it in your cramhole, LaFleur." He is an innovator when it comes to wooing women. He made the aggressive approach cool again. I mean he fired "the bank lady" so that they could date, then he had Michelle chauffeur him to her house on a Vespa wearing a sweet outfit straight out of a Bee Gees music video. He was probably wearing Sex Panther too. The games were over when she made him bleed his own blood. You just don't do that to a guy like White. Anyway, White assembles a team of roided freaks and a tranny from Romanovia or whatever and they head to Vegas. White was a pioneer and a showman on the dodgeball court. His take no prisoners attitude got him all the way to the finals where he got fucked by Chuck Norris because of some by-law and a foot fault. Serena should have taken a page from the White Goodman textbook when she got called for a foot fault. White got up in the ref's face and said "I am out here, busting my butt, and you come in with a bush-league call like that? BULLCRAP!" Serena just went with a straight death threat. Neither technique proved to be effective, but White didn't get fined. Sportsmanship in its purest form.

NBA Draft Profile---Devin Ebanks

Devin Ebanks is an ultra talented, ultra athletic, and ultra inconsistent 6'9" small forward. He has great size and amazing coordination for being 6'9". He runs, dribbles, and shoots smoothly and never rushes. His range extends out to the college three, but he's too inconsistent to say he's a good long range shooter. Like many freshmen and sophomores with raw talent, he disappears for weeks it seems like then he'll have a huge game randomly. He has some issues with his motor, and I don't like his attitude, but if he can sharpen his skills and become more consistent, I can't help but think he'll be a decent to good NBA player. I guarantee you he'll never be a superstar though.

Comparisons

Ceiling- Rudy Gay
Probably- Hakim Warrick
Floor- Marcus Fizer

There aren't any mixes of him at WVU so this is high school. Still sweet

Fuck You ESPN

So I posted about the Raptor devouring the Cheerleader before ESPN did on Sportsnation. What's that mean? It means I'm fucking legit. I've never felt this victorious in my life. I'll let the Ducks handle my victory celebration. Sing that shit Averman

Roy Williams' Warning to Carolina

So after another blowout loss last night at the hands of a struggling Georgia Tech, good ol' Roy made some more weird comments to the Atlanta media. He talked about being contacted by a bunch of NBA teams offering him head coaching jobs. Why Roy? Why the fuck would you go dropping info like that? I know why! The UNC athletic director was carbon copied with a special message "if I even hear a rumor about me losing my job, I'm out. I've got higher paying jobs waiting for me, and I'm out before I can be disrespected, dadgumit!" I love Roy, but I feel like he has completely given up on this season, and it has rubbed off on the players. They were so embarrassing last night. The only player trying was John Henson because he's finally getting his shot to show people he's good. We'll be back to dominance next year with Harrison Barnes coming. He is a Michael Jordan/James Worthy/God hybrid Guard-Forward prototype with a 4.0 GPA. He probably knows the cure for cancer, who killed Kennedy, and what happened to the colonists at Roanoke Island too. Throw in a classic 6'6" shooting guard in Reggie Bullock, John Henson hitting puberty and filling out a little, and a 6'4" point guard in Kendall Marshall who send Larry Drew dribbling out of control to the end of the bench, and you've got a National Championship. Period. Harrison Barnes told me. Did I tell you he can see into the future too?

And the Reggie for Biggest Douchebag of the Year Goes to...

Tim Tebow in a fucking landslide. He beat up the other nominees like he beat up his draft stock at the Senior Bowl. He got 85% of the votes, Canseco 10%, Milton Bradley 5%, Chad Ochocinco and Joey Porter got 0%. I mean Tebow was definitely the favorite in this category, but I didn't think it'd be this big of a blowout. Just shows that I guess you can be too nice.

Speech:
"I'd like to thank Jesus Christ, Coach Meyer, my parents, and Filipino kids I circumsized for all of their support. I promise that no one will try as hard to be a douchebag as I will try. I promise that no one will speak with a more feminine voice than I do. And I promise that no rookie will have more pranks pulled on them than I will have pulled on me. God Bless."

Ravens Stadium = Murdaland Alley

If the Ravens and the city of Baltimore didn't have enough image problems to begin with, they certainty do now. Today, the Ravens announced that they have signed convicted felon Donte Stallworth to a one year deal. Stallworth will team up with fellow murder Ray Lewis to form a dangerous core of convicts that will lead the 2010 Ravens on the field. When the Ravens storm out of the tunnel on gameday its going to look like a jailbreak. I don't understand why they thought it was a good idea to bring another criminal into a city that averages like 300 murders a year. Stallworth isn't even that good; he only had like 170 yds in 11 games for the Browns last year. The Ravens should have gone out and gotten Brandon Marshall, he can actually play and he doesn't get arrested for killing people, just beating bitches up.

Athlete of the Day---Henry Rowengartner

Henry was just your average run of the mill unathletic 12 year old. He was know for being a horrible baseball player. That is until those cool kids were trying to make him look like an idiot in front of the girl who played Julie the Cat in the Mighty Ducks movies were like "hey Rowengartner, catch!" Henry took off after the ball determined to look like a stud. As you all know, he slipped on a baseball, which somehow sent him flying like 15 feet in the air, and broke the shit out of his arm. He was in a cast for a long time, and when he got out of it, his tendons were so tight that he had the ability to throw fucking fire. When he got noticed by the Cub's front office scumbag from Clueless, he started living every non gay kid's dream of somehow playing in the big leagues as a preteen. Henry had a fucking gun for an arm, and with the help of the greatest pitching coach of all time (pictured below looking high as shit) and Chet "the Rocket" Stedman, he became the most dominant closer in the game until he slipped on another ball and lost his power. He still struck out that roided freak with the lob pitch, and the Cubs won the pennant.


PS, he still owns the rights to the most popular shit talking phrase in little league baseball. "Pitcher's got a big butt"

"Whoa! Devoured!"

I came across this video yesterday when I was looking around for blog worthy videos on youtube. I have to say, this video is confusing, hilarious, troubling, and remarkable all at the same time. First, how the fuck did the raptor do that? It happened so fast. Second, the commentator acted like he had just seen a sweet block or something, then he tries to add some color by saying "that's, that's wrong. Tough night." Third, it's troubling because the Raptor just strolls off the court with the cheerleader still in there. I mean how obvious is it that the creep inside the suit was pulling off a varsity level abduction? How is he not stopped by security? He just devours her then dips. No fooling around. He was all business, and I'm sure his friend was waiting in the parking lot in the van. The announcer makes the uncomfortable, "I'm half kidding but not really" comment of "well there goes the raptor, and we're never gonna hear from that cheerleader again."


PS, if you have any information on the whereabouts of this cheerleader, please contact the Toronto Police (pictured below)

Not the IDIUT of the Week but a Fucking IDIUT Nonetheless

As I mentioned in the last post, I think Chad Ford is a fucking retard. He and John Hollinger definitely top the long list of terrible people working at ESPN. Because of my hatred of him, I decided to compile a list of terrible predictions this "ESPN Insider" has made.

1. Chad Ford's first 5 picks in his 1984 NBA mock draft

1. Houston Rockets - Akeem Olajuwon

Analysis: This is a tricky one. Will Olajuwon be a good fit with Ralph Sampson? My inside sources suggest it may cause conflict. Houston could easily be looking to trade out of this spot, or could go a different direction altogether.

me- yeah you have some shitty inside sources because the dream went on the run the city Houston for like 20 years.

2. Portland Trailblazers - Sam Perkins

Analysis: An NBA source told me today that the Trailblazers might be the one team who would take Perkins over Sam Bowie. Mychal Thompson is solid, but the Blazers are looking for a defensive player like Perkins to pair with Thompson's offense.

me- well I don't know a whole lot about Sam Bowie, but I do know that the Blazers drafted him not Perkins

3. Chicago Bulls - Sam Bowie

Analysis: The Bulls will have an easy choice here is Bowie is still on the board. There's been talk that Bowie might be injury-prone, but he's looked great in workouts and his knees don't appear to be a concern.

me- can you imagine if Chad would have been right? no Jordan on the Bulls? If someone went back in time and made this true then we would probably be living in like Terminator world where everything is destroyed and robots enslave humans.

4. Dallas Mavericks - Melvin Turpin

Analysis: The Mavericks are the big losers of this draft, with the obvious prizes of Olajuwon, Bowie and Perkins off the board. The Mavericks still need size, though, so expect them to take the University of Kentucky standout. I hear he's coming into workouts in great shape, according to my sources.

me- Who the fuck is Melvin Turpin and how is Jordan not off the board yet?

5. Philadelphia 76ers - Lancaster Gordon

Analysis: Philadelphia might go with Michael Jordan, or Auburn's Charles Barkley. But Gordon is a great fit and I think Gordon is the obvious pick here.

me- oh yeah Lancaster Gordon is totally the obvious pick here Chad.

After the jump, we'll cover some of the long-shot picks of this year's draft, such as Jordan, Barkley, and expected bust John Stockton from Gonzaga.

me- no comment

2. Chad Ford on Darko Milicic before the 2003 Draft

“Darko really is one of a kind. He runs the floor, handles the ball, shoots an NBA three and plays with his back to the basket. So you can slot him at the 3, 4 or 5. Okay, a few other guys can do that too; what sets Darko apart is his toughness in the post. You’ve got to love a guy who has the footwork to spin by an opponent but still prefers to lower a shoulder and bang. Fact is, Milicic plays in attack mode at both ends of the floor. The more you push, the more he pushes back.”

3. I really don't have the time to go sort through the millions of "insider" rumors he throws out there, but I can tell you he's wrong 97% of the time. Go back to George Mason douche.

Camby to the Blazers

So the Clippers have traded the defensive monster Marcus Camby to the Blazers for point guard Steve Blake and small forward Travis Outlaw. As a Clippers fan, I love this trade on multiple levels. For one, Camby is older than the wheel. Yeah he can occasionally have a game with like 20 rebs and a bunch of blocks, but I'm sure those games are followed by days in the hyperbaric chamber and a hip replacement. Plus, the Clippers have a young stud of a center in DeAndre Jordan. Second, I love the addition of Steve Blake. He's an assist machine who will spend his time on the floor setting up Eric Gordon for open threecolas instead of being someone who literally thinks the word team has an I in it (Baron Davis). He's a better than decent backup point guard. Lastly, I've always been a big Travis Outlaw fan. He came out of highschool like 6 years ago has been showing flashes of stardom the whole time. He's hurt right now, but he should be back in a few weeks and should see significant minutes off the bench. The Blazers are a playoff team this year, and with Camby, have a chance to make some noise late in the season. So basically, both teams are winners here. The only loser in this situation is Chad Ford because he starts like 60 fake rumors every day about trades and non of them turn out to be true. This trade was not one of his rumors. I don't know how the guy has a job. I swear, he has connected Amare Stoudemire with almost every single team in the fucking league, but I bet he still finds a way to be wrong about it. He just says every fucking scenario in imaginable so he, in theory, can't be wrong. But he is, and will continue to be, a fag.

Quote of the Day

"Talk about a hard challenge right there. ... If you ever tried to ski when you're wasted, it's not easy, try and ski a slalom when ... you hit a gate less than every one second, so it's risky. You're putting your life at risk. ... It's like driving drunk, only there are no rules about it in ski racing."

Bode Miller is the man. Flying down a mountain at 80 mph isn't hardcore enough for Bode Miller, he has to be hammered while doing it to make it fun. After a ton of negative backlash from media douche bags over this comment, he explained the quote by saying, "I'm just trying to ski in a way thats exciting for me." After a disappointing 2006 Olympics in which people criticized him for partying to hard and not caring about the Olympics, Bode has responded already in 2010, winning a Bronze Medal in the mens downhill. No doubt he celebrated by catching a nice buzz.

Athlete of the Day----Luke Walton

Luke Walton is the small forward for the Los Angeles Lakers and the son of one of the greatest outlet passers after grabbing a board, Bill Walton. Today's post is simply a dedication to how fucking awesome Luke's life must be. Not only does Luke have his family wealth to live off, he has made plenty of money on his own being a perfect role player for the Lakers. There is no pressure on Walton except to come in the game, get a few boards, and make a few bounce passes. His stats at the University of Arizona are quite impressive with him averaging 15 points, 7 rebs, and 6 assists throughout his career...not too shabby. Secondly, Walton gets to live in LA and go out with his main man Jordan Farmar every weekend to get absolutely shit-canned. Walton comes from a great pedigree of getting wasted because if you watch college basketball you have heard about Wild Bill smoking the devil's lettuce in the middle of an intersection at UCLA protesting the Vietnam War. Luke even has a tattoo of 4 grateful dead skeletons holding basketballs which represent Luke and his brothers (see picture).

"In December 2008, a woman pleaded no contest to charges of stalking Walton; she was arrested after she pulled up to Walton's car and pretended to fire gunshots at him with her hand. She was sentenced to three years' probation, told to attend weekly counseling sessions for a year and ordered to stay away for three years from Walton's home and from the Lakers' games and practices." If that isn't enough evidence to show how cool Luke Walton is I don't know what else there is to say.

Darrell Green Runs 4.4 Forty...On his 50th Birthday

Darrell Green has always been considered one of the fasted players to play in the NFL. He played 20 seasons in the NFL, all for the Redskins and remains one of the classiest dudes to ever wear the burgundy and gold. He announced on his twitter this morning that he celebrated his birthday by running a 4.43 at some high school in Orlando. Now, I've been known to approach those speeds every now and then, but to be doing it at age 50 is absurd. If I had any money, I'd bet it that he runs in the 4.5's when he's 60. Happy birthday #28.




DG's chase down of Tony Dorsett is still amazing to watch. All speed and all heart.

"It's Just Running Down My Leg. I Got Jeans On, Black Bucks, No Socks"

This is possibly the greatest story ever told. I mean either this guy isn't very cool and he practices ridiculous stories to tell people, or he's the fucking man. The story is so amazing because you can feel the sheer panic he must have felt. I was like holy shit how do you handle that happening? Just ask the twice a year pant shitter George Brett. He's got it down pat.


PS, I love how at the very end he's just like "who are the pitchers in this game?" Like he didn't just hit that guy with a Scorcese caliber, nail biter of a story.





Thanks for the link Nuzz

Is This Guy Really on My Favorite NBA Team?

I'm still searching for the part of my brain that makes me a Wizards fan so I can destroy it.