Hello Hollywood

Jason Taylor, aka the bald ballroom nomad (copyrighted by Sports on the Reg), has switched teams once again, and it's pretty obvious why he did it. The Jets are the Hard Knocks team and he's trying to break into Hollywood. He's all about the exposure, not the football. I can't think of another instance where a player was signed for zero reasons pertaining to football. Actually, the signing of Jason Taylor negatively affects the Jets' awesome defense. He's older than time, though you'd never know because he's had more botox and teeth bleaching than Joan Rivers, and he's as fragile as an egg. I'll chalk this signing up as a charity case. There's just one problem with his plan. There's only room for one freakishly large action star in Hollywood, and the Rock has that on lockdown. I wonder if we'll see Jason Taylor as the tooth fairy or an Egyptian god. I doubt it. The only role he could pull off would be King Xerces (pictured below) in some 300 sequel that will never be made. He needs to take a page from the Mark Schlereth book on how not to spend your retirement from football. I'd put my money on Taylor ending up on a soap opera like Schlereth, but I bet he doesn't play a character with a name like Detective Roc Hoover.



PS, I mean seriously, he was made for that part.

Free Lesson On How to Deal with Mascots who Think They are the Shit

Dinger, the mascot for the Sacramento RiverCats sure is one smug son of a bitch for being a AAA mascot. Dinger is the clear favorite here over the big red blob Archie, of the Reno Aces. For 95% percent of this video he looks like Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance out there. Got this contest in the bag for sure until he tries to pull the Moon Walk on the home teams dugout. Rookie mistake, Dinger. Archie, knowing what a showoff Dinger is, probably had that portion of the dugout greased up before the contest knowing that Dinger would try to get flashy. Well, Archie's plan works to perfection. Dinger goes sliding off the roof like an idiot into the Aces dugout where he probably took a few bats to his oversized skull. Archie even feigns concern for a second before turning to the crowd, full of pride fresh off his upset, and screams "ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED!"

Athlete of the Day---Jake Wyler

Jake Wyler is the greatest quarterback to never play in his senior season. Wyler was a dominant quarterback for the John Hughes High School football team before he made an awful decision. The fiery coach told Jake to run the clock out, but he had other plans. Jake wanted to make the worst player on the teams life by throwing him the ball in the endzone. Unfortunately, Jake threw the ball a quarter of a second too late and the retard with the glasses literally broke in half. Although Jake had some problems on the field, he succeeded off it. He transformed the ugliest girl in school, Janey Briggs, into the prom queen. Not to mention Wyler was about the only normal person at John Hughes High. For God's sake his sister wanted to take a dump on his chest and his best friend Austin (the cocky blonde guy) kept saying weird catch phrases like, "Jakey Jakey...'Bout to make a big....MISTAKEY?"

I imagine Jake Wyler got to play quarterback at some division III school somewhere. Atleast I hope so.

Welcome to the Playoffs, Rook

Freddy Adu, Where Are You?

Freddy Adu has joined the Greek team Aris Salonica making it his sixth professional team since 2004. After all the hype that surrounded Freddy as a youngster I expected by now that he would be playing in one of the elite european leagues: either the English Premier League, the Spanish La Liga, or atleast the German Bundesliga. But no, Freddy is playing for a team that I can't even find on FIFA 2010 for my xBox. Now I wouldn't consider Freddy a bust yet because he's only 20, but he has definitely not lived up to expectations. Adu was supposed to be the savior for US soccer. At age 10, Adu was offered a six-figure deal with Italian powerhouse AC Milan, but his mom wouldn't sign the permission trip and wanted him to get an education. By forgoing this offer Freddy developed his soccer game in the American based MLS which without a doubt slowed his progession. To explain these circumstances, I think we should pull a Danny Almonte and consider the authenticity of Adu's birth certificate. Freddy is exactly the same weight now as he was at age 13: 5'8 140 lbs. Interesting...

To make things more relevant to non-soccer fans, African soccer players seem to be similar to Latin American baseball players. Potential is everything: the skills of a 14 year old can make them millions, but the same skills of a 21 year are worthless. Adu seems to fall into this category.

Like I said, Freddy shouldn't be considered a bust quite yet. He has showed signs of brilliance on the US soccer development teams but nothing that will make him start for the Varsity squad in South Africa this summer. He needs to take lessons from our starting forward, Jozy Altidore, who is just 20 years old and plays in the English Premier League. Altidore is the one who scored the first goal against Spain last summer, the number 1 team in the world.

Ron Artest Hair is Offensive

Ron's hair really grosses me out. It's not even like regular bleached hair. It's orangeish blondish garbage. I've heard of like playoff beards and like not getting haircuts and shit but not playoff hair coloring. I think Durantula was grossed out too because he never seemed to get his head in the game. He had a freakishly aggressive and weird psycho with ugly hair shadowing him the whole game. At least he doesn't have those doodles that the Chinese call words on his head like last time. Once Durant gets used to it I bet the Thunder start winning.


PS, if Ron insists on dying his hair, he should go all the way to do silver like sisqo

Nothing but Net

Ben Roethlisberger: A Creeper's Perspective

This blog was written and emailed to me by a frequent Sports on the Reg follower and avid sports fan. Thanks RPB.

Everyone that has been through college has creeped on girls. It just is the way things are done now a days. The difference between us regular creepy college guys and Ben Roethliscreeper is that we generally quit it once we graduate. If we don't, we at least keep it within bounds. This clown pulled out his junk in a crowded bar, had his goon squad block the door and had sex with a 20 year old. Equally as embarrassing, he was in a bar in Milledgeville, Georgia. I can think of a fuck of a lot better places to be in the offseason if I were making badass coin as a superstar NFL quarterback.

By now, my suspicion that Big Fuck Up is a bad person is clearly confirmed. The counter to my opinion, of course, is that he been convicted of no crimes. That doesn't matter. Trouble has followed this guy ever since he crashed his motorcycle (no helmet). Now that he has creeped across state lines, it is glaringly obvious that Ben is a pudgy freak with a problem. One incident is no big deal-- as long as you come back and win some rings, the public will quickly forget about one accuser (Kobe). When multiple allegations come out, there is obviously a trend of misbehavior too big to be forgotten (Tiger). Confirmed or not, it is more than enough for the Steelers to ship him.

P.S. It is obvious to me that Ben is way worse of a person than Michael Vick ever was or will be. Think about it, Ben has ruined lives: the girls, the cop that had to resign. The only life Michael Vick ever ruined was his own, and a few dogs...I guess.

Dude Ralph Sampsons on Little Girl

So this 21 year old weirdo Matthew Clemmens purposefully puked on an off duty cop and his 11 year old daughter. He apparently did this because his friend had gotten kicked out of the game. There is nothing in the world that would warrant Ralph Sampsoning on a child. I'm sorry. That's worse than murder. And it's not like he was throwing up and purposefully directed it at them. He stuck his fingers down his throat to make himself do it. I mean what innovation. What if puking on people becomes the new thing like spitting on someone. You called me a fag? Wait a second...BRAAAAAA. What now dude?

Wait a minute...Doesn't he look like our most recent shithammered athlete?



Weird

Note to Jerry: Golf is Hard

I hate when professional athletes from sports like football and basketball think that they can do anything. Jerry Rice fired an 83 yesterday in the first round of his first tournament on the Nationwide Tour. Apparently Jerry is a scratch golfer, but what he doesn't realize is that these guys are 50 times better than that. You can't just be like "I can compete out there because I break par at my home course sometimes." It doesn't work like that. Go play with any professional golfer who is on the Nationwide Tour on his home course, and I guarantee you he doesn't shoot worse than a 66. I really hope someone came in the grill after the round and said, "I heard you fired a monstrous number today Jerry." like David Simms did when Roy shot 83. Rice blamed his 83 on his putter. If you're a professional golfer, you don't blame anything higher than a 76 on the putter. Period. Anything higher than that means you realized you just didn't have it that day and gave up. Only a cocky athlete who has dominated his whole life would blame a number that high on his equipment. I mean Jerry, what would have happened if you made 6 more putts? You would have shot 77. That would put you at T140 instead of T153. Good playing dude.

John Calipari is Ruining College Basketball

If I were a Kentucky fan, I would be furious that John Calipari is the coach of my team. He is making a mockery of the entire college basketball system just for the sake of winning some games. Yeah Kentucky fans are loving him right now because of how miserable that team has been in recent years, but how long can that love last? He's just going to keep bringing in one and done players to lead them deep in the tournament, then say "thanks for the free one year of 'education!' By the way, I don't give a shit about the University of Kentucky." then hop on the money train heading to the NBA. How would you like it if your team never had a soul? Kentucky fans are about to find out. Welcome to Kentucky, Brandon Knight.

Quote of the Day

“I'm the oldest I’ve ever been, right now.”-Tim Sylvia

MMA, UFC, or whatever the fuck it's called might be the most retarded sport ever. Wanna know why? Because it makes you fucking retarded. duh.

Gordon Hayward Enters the Draft

I was pretty hard on Ed Davis for leaving Carolina after two seasons, but I think this was a smart move for Hayward. Gordon and the Butler Bulldogs had their fun, and now it's time to go pro before something terrible can happen to his draft stock. Unlike Ed, he has proven all he needs to prove. Ed Davis hasn't proven shit. He hasn't shown that he can lead a team to victory as the focal point in the offense. Yeah, he won a national championship, but he was the garbage man who was 2nd off the bench. Hayward put a tiny mid major program on his scrawny white shoulders and carried them all the way to the last 2 seconds of the national championship game. Who wouldn't want a guy like that on their team. He's a 6'8" small forward with guard-like handles because of that 8 inch growth spurt he had in one, probably painful, year in high school. He can shoot, rebound, and pass with anyone his size and has an unbelievably high basketball IQ. I'm excited to see what he can do in the pros.

Minor League Pitcher Stops Robbery at Wal-Mart

Curtis Petersen was just picking up some toilet paper from his local Wal-Mart. Next thing you know he is a local hero. Petersen is the 6'4 pitcher for the Florida Marlins farm squad, the Greensboro Grasshoppers. After walking out with his TP, Petersen saw a man throw some lady to the ground. Petersen dropped his bags and ran over as fast as he could to put the perp in a choke hold. “I had a hold of him, and he threw the keys back to the lady and said, ‘All right, all right, just let me go.’ And I said, ‘I don’t think so.’ “ Petersen waited for the police to get there to put the man in jail.

It's nice to see something like this in the sports world. Curtis Petersen seems like one of the few genuine professional athletes. Fuck the pros who hang out with one of those Make-A-Wish retards for a day...they HAVE to do that shit. I guarantee if half the guys in the NBA were in Petersen's shoes they would have ignored the situation. And I'm personally willing to bet that 3/4ths of the Denver Nuggets would have been the guy trying to steal the car.

Anyway, mad props to Curtis Petersen. I hope the Marlins bring him up to their roster just for being a fucking awesome person.

It's About Time

The NCAA is finally banning eyeblack messages. No longer will we have to look at Virginia Tech dudes pointing at the 757 written on their eyeblack after they do something sweet. No longer will be have to see gang messages and stupid tributes to people. No Bible verses were acceptable, but they're just a minor causality in the War on Thuggery in college football.


Eye black should look like this



but not...




fuckin weirdo

Speaking of Showing Off

Sweet dude. That was about as smart as trying to pet a rabid panther. It wasn't even a cool dunk.

PS, nice hail Hitler salute. As if you didn't look retarded enough.

Hot Doggin Like Kobayashi

Fucking showoff. Serves you right dude. I mean you had this guy out of his jockstrap better than Bombays triple deke and could even finish it off.I love his reaction after it happens. The goalie saves it out outlets to someone and the dude is still standing there with his hands on his knees like he just lost the World Cup. Go join the European And1 indoor soccer mixtape team. The goalie would have let you score.

We Couldn't Do Diddly Poo

#8. Jim Mora





I know some of his players probably laughed when they heard him say diddly poo on camera, and I bet those guys haven't stopped running around the practice field yet. You don't fuck with an old dude when he starts saying things like diddly poo, dodo head, or anything of the like. That's a big time red flag.

This Kid is Tougher than a Wal Mart Steak

So Tiny hit me with this touching article about a 16 year old kid who lost his leg at the mid thigh in a boating accident less than 2 years ago. Guess what he's doing now? Throwing heat in high school baseball games. Think about it. I've seen football and basketball players sit out longer than that with torn ACLs. Try having your left leg ripped off mid femur and your right achilles tendon sliced by a boat propeller. That blows my mind. When I started reading the article I was thinking this kid limped out to the mound to a standing ovation, threw to a batter who took it yard, then went back to the dugout to another standing O like when they let those kids with downs syndrome score in a basketball game or run for a touchdown. I was dead wrong. This dude was throwing 80 mph heat and nasty curveballs. He allowed one hit and one unearned run in 5 and a third innings. What did you do today?

Shocker

It's allllllllll making sense now. Who would have thunk it? I guarantee you a story breaks sometime this month saying "ROETHLISBERGER AND TIGER WERE SHARING WOMEN?" I bet these two were hitting all the sleazy bars and clubs together on the reg. In fact, I think this picture was taken right before they left for one. I mean Tiger looks like he's ready for P Diddy all white version of a Night at the Roxbury. Big Ben might get turned down. That shirt's blue dude.

#9. Brandt Snedeker





Are you fucking kidding Brandt? Not only are you in a frat, but you are wearing a big sweet visor. I wear big visors dude, but you don't see me crying when I shoot a fucking 86 in a college golf tournament. Laugh it off and move on. There's no crying in country club sports. Oh by the way, how were the Fedex Cup playoffs last year? Oh yeah, you 4 putted when all you had to do was 2 putt from 12 feet. Go cry about that too.

Tradition of America's Pastime Threatened by Pinko Congress

What is it? "It's Big Chief-the best. Plug, wad, chewing tobacco, Baccy, man." Congress is discussing the option of trying to make major league baseball ban the use of chewing tobacco. Congress is crying wolf about this, arguing how bad an example these athletes are for kids. Honestly, don't they have enough on their plates right now? First it was steroids, now they're trying to ban something thats been part of the game for over 100 years. Is it really any of Congress' business if a grown athlete wants to throw a lip while playing RF on a Sunday afternoon? Things can get pretty boring in the outfield sometimes, and like they said in the Sandlot, "Yeah, yeah. It Gives you tons of energy." Don't want to be caught sleeping when a line drive gets smoked at your face. Some dike senator from California (shocker) was quoted as saying, "Why don't they just chew gum if they feel the need to chew something?" Fucking liberals. Don't they know anything?

Shithammered Athlete of the Day

hahahaha Top picture: "what the fuck that thing you're pointing at me?"

Middle: "did you seriously just give me a water dude? Look at my fucking head."

Bottom: Just sheer confusion, and possibly wonderment of what is being pointed at him.

Quote of the Day

"They should have focused more on me."

- Sebastian Telfair about the ESPN special "Through the Fire." A documentary about his life.


Maybe it's a good thing they didn't Sebastian, considering you murdered someone. Just be happy you got that exposure because you certainly don't get much while riding the pine for shitty teams like the Timberwolves and Clippers.

What? He'd Never Get on the Field

Jerry Jones' stock just went way up in my book. This is the best thing I've seen in weeks. It's a classic case of some less drunk dudes egging on the drunkest kid at the party who, in this case, is Jerriatric Jones. I see it every weekend. I do it every weekend. Sometimes, I'm the dude people are doing it to. Either way it's fucking hilarious. I guess Tim Tebow won't be donning the blue star next season. If he does, he definitely won't be taking any snaps.

This Three Year Old Thinks He's So Big Time

What is it with little kids thinking they're the shit at sports? This little shred head, Wesley Muresan is apparently some snowboard prodigy. I saw an article about him today while cruising the interwebs and this little egomaniac has been featured on The Today Show, Bill O'Reilly, The Rachel Maddow Show, and NBC News. He's got a Facebook page with 1000 fans and a twitter feed so he can update all his friends who are probably still shitting their pants. How does he have more fans on the book than Sports on the Reg? Seriously people, shit is embarrasing. This kid doesn't even have any talent. I checked out the video of him after reading all this hype about how he goes off ramps and grinds rails and whatnot. I don't understand what people are freaking out about. He gets a few inches at most of air off the ramps and completely misses the rails. Weak. Meanwhile, he's cruising down the hill acting like he's the fucking man. If you want to see how cocky he really is look at the clip at 2:27. Smug little bastard. Needs to get beaten up by this three year old.

Get Me This Dude for the Sports on the Reg Staff!

God I wish commercials like this could be on TV.

Party in the City Where the Heat is on

Brandon Marshall signed a four year 47.5 million dollar deal today with the Miami Dolphins. This deal is great for the Dolphins because Marshall is a dominant receiver who is guaranteed at least 10 yards after each catch, it's a great deal for him because he's getting paid 47.5 fucking million dollars to move from Denver to Miami and catch footballs. This deal teaches us an important life lesson. Crying/complaining on the reg and purposefully batting balls away in practice and punting them into the woods gets you 47.5 mil and a place on the beach. Write that down kids.

Shit Happens

I know this video is on like every website right now, but I just can't pass it up. I just have to say, out of all the excuses there are out there for having a bad game, this is definitely the most respectable. Dislocated shoulder? Pop that shit back in. Sprained anything? Tape it up and go. Diarrhea? What the fuck can you do? Nothing, that's what. I can honestly say that being on the mound in front of thousands of people might be one the top 5 worst locations to have a diarrhea dilemma. Might as well take his bad game off the record because there was nothing he could do about it.

The Deacs Hire a Coach With a Weird Name

So Wake Forest, who fired Dino Gaudio last week, hired a guy named Jeff Bzdelik. Now maybe it's my Americaness, but I don't trust a guy whose name has 3 consonants in a row and ends with a k. Good thing I'm not a Wake fan or I'd be pretty up in arms right now. I don't know why they wouldn't hire an established coach or someone who built a program up from nothing. I mean he went 36-58 as Colorado's head coach. BIG step back for the Demon Deacons. Bye Bye Aminu, Ish Smith, and Gaudio. Hello last place in the ACC.