The Resurrection

You know what the best thing is about being a Jesus? I can resurrect myself whenever the fuck I want. So tell your friends Sports on the Reg is back to fill your minds with astute, immoral, and politically incorrect analysis of the latest news in the world of sports. Like what you read? Don't be selfish. Share it with your friends, enemies, coworkers, and family about us. If you don't have any friends, get some. We need your support to keep us motivated. Basically if you don't put forth any effort then I won't. I'm not a fucking hipster who writes to pollute peoples brains with their ideas on how to make fun of the latest cool trends or how their dad hated them because they sucked at sports. I'm writing for money. If I teach you something or make you laugh then I guess that's a bonus. One day this resurrection will be taught in Sunday schools worldwide. Hallelujah! Christ is risen! The Lord of sports is risen indeed, hallelujah.

THE BIGGEST NEWS SINCE PAUL REVERE SAW THE BRITISH COMING

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DON'T GO TO THIS SITE ANYMORE!!!

Party on Wayne

While sad, I still can't help but laugh at the laziness of these people. I mean come on. Is it that hard to make a new sign or at least do a better job crossing it out? By the way, what ever happened to white out? I remember back in middle school everyone had a thing of white out in their pencil case. That is until some future stoner heard from his older brother that you could get high by huffing it. We had a whiteout ban at St. Michael's after that. I was never a huge fan of it though. If you tried to write on it before it was completely dry, it just turned into a catastrophe, and you ended up with a bigger mess than if you would have just crossed it out. Anyway, just to clarify, the party is still on.

Do The John Wall

The Most American Athlete of the Day

Lt. Tom Kazanski AKA Iceman.

Iceman is probably the coolest guy in the world. He flies jets so well that people say ice runs in his veins, women can’t resist his spiky blonde hair, and he’s definitely going to represent the U.S. in beach volleyball during the next Olympics. At one point he tells Maverick that he’s dangerous. Dude come on, the only thing that’s dangerous is the size of the boner I get when I watch Ice in the volleyball scene. I mean seriously, I almost pass out from lack of blood in my head. Maybe it’s the Kenny Loggins song “playing with the boys” that’s on in the background. No it’s definitely Lt. Kazanski. Iceman, thanks for serving our country and being a shining example of an alpha male; you rock dude.

P.S. Ice is never sorry about the deafening noise that his F-14 Tom Cat produces. As far as he’s concerned it’s just the sound of freedom.


Written by our most American fan Tomcat

IMPORTANT

I am currently doing some maintenance and upgrades on the site. I may not get many posts up today but DON'T WORRY! I think you'll like the changes. We need your views so feel free to look around our archives at some older posts you may have missed or just want to read again. Sorry about the inconvenience.

Jerry Gets his Guy and Jesus Jr. Makes it into the 1st Round

Back with more live updates from the 2010 NFL Draft, the Cowboys and the Broncos have just made major moves to go after players in the late first Round. The Jerry Cowboys traded with the NE patriots to move to the 24th spot and grab Dez Bryant. Jerry passed on Randy Moss back in the day, and has regretted it ever since. With the uncertain contract situation of Miles Austin and the suckiness of Roy Williams, the Cowboys felt the need to go after a playmaker. Bryant is immensely talented, but very immature and is also a retard. How do you forget to bring your cleats to your pro day?

The Cowboys move was somewhat expected, but the Broncos decision to trade back into the first and grab Tebow is unreal. There have been a ton rumors about Tebow moving up boards in the past couple weeks, but I still couldn't imagine a team going after him in the 1st round. Not sure what the Broncos gave up to get back into the 1st, but they must have been in love with Tebow. Very Bold move. Thank God I'm not watching TV right now, otherwise I'd have to suffer through another interview with Tebow praising all things holy and claiming divine intervention that he moved up to the 1st round. Might have driven me over the edge.

More to come later.

Live Draft Update

Skins grabbed Trent Williams with the 4th pick, and I couldn't be happier. This dude is an absolute psycho killer maniac in the trenches. He's the best run blocking offensive tackle and lord knows we need help in that area. I'm so pumped for this season.

The picks have basically gone as planned. I'd say the best pick so far has been Buffalo getting C.J. Spiller. They really needed an offensive and special teams spark plug.

Who Says it's Not About the Money?

As everyone probably knows, the NCAA (National Committee of Avaricious Assholes) has agreed to expand the mens national tournament from 64 teams to 68 teams. Sorry I'm so late with this. Tiny and I were running shit shoeless on the golf course. It was just too perfect outside to be sitting at a fucking computer. Anyway, this is nowhere near the 96 teams that people like Jim Boeheim were calling for. I think I know exactly why a high profile coach like Boeheim, whose team always makes the tournament would be advocating for an expansion. Dolla dolla bills ya'll it's that simple. More teams means a WHOLE lot more money to go around. The more games that his Syracuse team gets to play in the biggest money-making month of the year in all of sports, the bigger that bonus check gets. Roy "class attack" Williams was the only coach with something sensible so say on the matter. He said, "I really was torn myself with what to do, so taking the field to 68 seems like a good step. This will give them time to decide if this is just an intermediate step to a larger event or not. There are so many good teams, and adding three more helps get them in the bracket without tarnishing the specialness of the tournament." That last line is the key to this whole situation. You have to draw the line somewhere because the NCAA tournament is the holiest of holy in college sports. You can't go expanding it by 30 teams allowing basically every team with a .500 record from every major conference into the field. Maybe I'm just a traditionalist, and I know I don't have any money invested in the NCAA (except from gambling), but I love the tournament how it is now. You have 64 and a half teams who earned their spot by playing hard and winning games when they mattered, and you have like 6 teams bitching about not getting invited. I mean that's how all invitation only events are right? The cool people get invitations, and the people who think they're cool but aren't, complain about not getting invited. Then they throw they're own weak ass party (NIT).

Calipari Snags Another One

Marquis Teague, the nation's number 4 high school player in the class of 2011, has just committed to the University of Kentucky. Teague is the younger brother of current Hawks guard and former Wake Forest stud Jeff Teague. Calipari has been under attack from the Sports on the Reg staff from the beginning and this just highlights SportsHezeus's blog about him a few days ago on how he is ruining college basketball. High school players choose to play for Calipari for one reason: they can do whatever the fuck they want. Calipari has no discipline for his players and only gets recruits because they know they can get away with anything. I feel bad for the Kentucky reserves who probably hope to get something out of their college basketball experience and get pushed aside while Calipari blows his diaper dandies. On his reason for choosing Kentucky Teague stated, "Calipari is going to let you play your game. He's going to let you make plays."

I don't know what it is but I feel like the top recruits going to Kentucky are afraid to be disciplined. Roy Williams, Mike Krzyzewski, Tom Izzo, and Bill Self are known for having ridiculously competitive practices, and I'm surprised they've been able to snag some of the top recruits in this day and age. This is why Ed Davis is leaving early in my opinion. He is a soft pansy who couldn't handle an authoritative figure teaching him the great game Dr. James Naismith invented. John Calipari is the anti-tits and needs to change his natural scumbag ways.


P.S. With summer just around the corner I recommend all basketball fans read this book, even if you aren't a Carolina fan. It has some pretty funny stories about the one and only Pyscho-T, Tyler Hansbrough.

#4. O.J. Simpson 2008

Doesn't that just look like the face of a man finally at peace with himself? I mean he killed two people and got away with it, and that's been weighing on his conscience ever since. I bet he sat up drunk one night trying to figure out the most unique and ridiculous crime to commit. One that there was no way he could get away with. He came up with the idea to track down some people and rob them at gunpoint for his own memorabilia. That could stick in court right?


Acting at its finest

#5. Deion Sanders


What a hall of fame level shithammered smile. Deion looks genuinely happy to be at the police station. He had decided to go fishing at a pond owned by the Southwest Florida International Airports when he was picked up by the fuzz. Misdemeanor trespassing charges don't mean anything anyway so I'm sure he didn't care. I think Prime Time was just enjoying the attention.

Athlete of the Day---Carl Spackler

Yeah, assistant greenskeepers can be athletes too. Especially when they've got a green jacket from winning the Masters. That's just what Carl did. He was just a Cinderella boy, an unknown, a nobody, but he shocked the world when he holed a smoked 8 iron from 195 yards on the 18th hole for the win. If you aren't familiar with Spackler, he lives in a maintenance shack on the course, he grows his own grass, he's into watching old ladies play golf, he has a license to kill gophers, he once caddied for the Dali Lama who tried to stiff him after the round, and he has access to ridiculous amounts of plastic explosives. I think the government should look into that. Carl revolutionized the game of golf with his new method for playing holes. His strategy was to hit random irons from any distance eventually holing one of them. Take the way he played the 18th at Augusta for example. He teed off on the 455 yard hole with a smooth 2 iron that went about 105 yards. No need to get aggressive right? His second shot was a pure as silk 5 iron from 350 yards. Brilliant. For his 3rd and final shot, he hit the 8 iron heard round the world from 195 yards straight into the hole. Fucking genius. He must have absolutely nuked that thing.

#6. John Daly

Is that not the face of a broken man? This is just the lowest of low points that a famous athlete can hit in their life. Hanging out at Hooters all day selling your own memorabilia, blacking out, passing out (still at Hooters might I add), and having them call the cops on you. Well that's what happened to Long John Daly. Can you imagine the sort of hangover remorse he felt? I get depressed when I wake up and remember that I poured a beer on someone. Try displaying your ruined life and career at a Hooters then getting arrested for it. Ouch

#7. Carmelo Anthony


Why do some of these guys think they have to try to look like they're tough mug shots? I mean you got charged with drunk driving dude. There's nothing tough about that. Just pump the breaks and try to have a good time with it. No one in prison is going to think the dude coming in for DUI is tough. They won't be like "look out for that guy. He operated a motor vehicle under the influence of alcohol." "Holy shit no way. How'd he get caught?" "Forgot to turn his brights off." "Damn, let's steer clear of that guy. He's nuts."

Logo Contest- DO IT!

So we've gotten like five submissions for the logo which for the first day is ok I guess, but we need a whole lot more. I'm talking at least 20. We want to have a tough decision to make. The $20 gift card to ANY national chain is for real. Think of what you could do with that money. Say you won and asked us for a gift card to itunes. You could buy 20 songs, 2 movies, an entire album and 8 songs, or you could rent like 6 movies. I can't stress to you enough how important this is to the site. Like I said before, don't be shy. If you don't know how to use the computer to make it, then draw it. You could just send us a shittily drawn logo. It doesn't matter because if it's a sweet idea, we'll clean it up, and you'll be 20 dollars richer.

#7. Andre the Giant


Is that thing even human? I really want to know what two creatures mated to form such a beast. My guess would be that a bear mated with a shark, then that monstrosity mated with Chyna (pictured below). Talk about a freakshow.

#8. Kimbo Slice

Whoever the cop was who arrested Kimbo Slice is probably the man down at the precinct. I bet he came in to work the next morning to a standing ovation and a promotion. I wouldn't get within 50 yards of this enormous maniac. If I pulled him over I'd use the megaphone and say, "Hi there Mr. Slice. If you would be so kind as to drive to the police station so some of the guys can meet you and get an autograph, that would be great. I'll follow you in my car." Then I'd call every big dude I know and tell them to be there waiting with tranquilizer guns and a big net like they were trying to capture a rabid bear. Kimbo is one scary dude. Just look at that shirt. If a big dude is wearing a shirt like that, it means "don't fuck with me. I'm partying."

NFL Draft Tomorrow Night

I never get quite as pumped for the NFL draft as I do for the NBA draft because it's so fucking long. It's 7 grueling rounds of straight drafting. Once they get through the first 2 rounds it becomes about as interesting as a PBS documentary. The only cool thing about rounds 3-7 is waiting for that guy from your favorite team who you think is sweet to get drafted. Although you think this guy is awesome and should be a first rounder, he probably isn't. Anyway, I'm interested to see where guys like C.J. Spiller and Eric Berry go, but that's about it. The Redskins have made, as always, a lot of shitty and weird offseason moves that have compromised a lot of their picks so I can't get pumped about that. Oh, and Tebow better not show up. I'd be furious if I was a first round lock, but didn't get an invite because ratings hungry ESPN wants Tim Tebow's 3rd round ass to get a bunch of TV time.


PS, maybe the Skins will draft Kam Chancellor in a late round. Why? Because he's fucking sweet dude!

#9. Darryl Strawberry


Get this alien to Area 51 pronto Tonto. Darryl's so high in this picture they had to take it from the MIR Space station.

(Shit-Hammered) Athlete of the Day---J.J. Redick

Gee, I wonder what university this picture was taken at. I bet Kumar Patel is craving some white castle

Top 10 Athlete Mugshots

#10. Scottie Pippen


Scottie Pippen looks like he's posing for his high school yearbook in this one. He was pulled over after cops saw him pull into oncoming traffic to go around a car stopped at a red light. That's such an aggressive way to run a light. If you see that happen, it's for one or both of 2 reasons. The person either has a pregnant woman in the car, or they are hammered drunk and trying to get to Taco Bell before the drive thru closes. I love how cocky Pippen looks here. He's like "you guys know I'm gonna get out of this right? Cheese!"

Soccer Douche Gets Whats Coming to Him

Is this kid in the blue jersey serious? Who stands in front of a throw-in covering their nuts? Now that I think of it, why is this kid even standing in front a throw-in in the first place? It's a throw-in dude, you can't block it. You're doing no good standing there looking like a jackass covering up your one nut from a throw that has no chance of hitting you in the nuts. Now, because this kid looks like the type of scrawny bitch who scores a goal and runs around with his shirt off, No.16 in white decides to teach him a little lesson about establishing dominance. No. 16 has obviously planned this whole thing out. He even throws in a flashy, but necessary front handspring for extra power to ensure this kid needs plastic surgery to fix his face that just got rearranged. After No.16 casually jogs away after demolishing this kids grill, I'm pretty sure I heard him say, "O'Doyle Rules". Lesson of the Day: Don't be an annoying d-bag during games unless you want to get decapitated by a 100mpg soccer ball to the face.

I'll Have to Check My Shedule

Tiger Woods is adding tournaments to his schedule on the Reg. Last week he added my favorite non-major, Quail Hollow, and this week he added the Players and the AT&T National. So much for a break right? He's saying "fuck it, I'm getting a divorce anyway. Why should I miss out on beating the shit out of everyone of tour?" He's the best there is and ever will be. It's that simple. He'll win at least four tournaments this year, and he'll start at Quail Hollow.


PS, am I going to hell for putting that picture up?

Get Nasty ESPN

So I was looking around at some baseball stats on ESPN.com and came across some something startling and hilarious. If you look at a player's page whose name might be difficult to pronounce, ESPN provides you with one of the dictionary type pronunciation aids. Well I was looking at Albert Pujols' page, and you can tell that ESPN had some major fun with his name. It says that Pujols is pronounced, POO-holes. Maybe that's the standard way to do it, maybe not, but either way it's awesome. I will never spell his name Pujols again.

So Guess Who is Tied With Pujols in RBIs?

Jason Heyward. The new and improved "say Hey kid" has 16 runs batted in, 4 jacks, and is batting a cool three hundo. Throw a couple walk offs in there and you've got an MVP in the making. He already has NL rookie of the year on lockdown. He could quit right now and still get it. Heyward and the Braves are off to a solid start and are tied for first in the NL East. I'm expecting to see them blow the Phillies out of the fucking water this year.

FYI I posted the thing about Jason Taylor and King Xerces yesterday and Barstool did it today. I'm not tooting my own horn or anything. I just hate when people come up to me and say that we copy Barstool. Barstool copies Sports on the Reg. I'm actually convinced that one of their idea people saw our site last night and pitched the idea to the New York writer.

Athlete of the Day---Jake Berman

Jake Berman is the little kid who blows nose bubbles and wrecks shit in the movie The Little Giants. The Bermanator won the big game for the the Giants when he picked up the ball on the second fumble during the Annexation of Puerto Rico and ran it in for a touchdown. I mean this was the kid who weighed 1 pound when he was born, spent the first 6 months of his life in an incubator, and has an allergy problem like you wouldn't believe. But hey, his shrink told him he should get out more. There are two things you need to know about the Bermanator if you want to avoid verbal and physical abuse. Nobody calls him a diphead except his sister, and DO NOT talk about his mama. If you abide by these rules you might stand a chance.

If You're Into Gettin Rich...

If you're into gettin rich, or you just want to be permanently etched in American history, DESIGN A LOGO FOR SPORTS ON THE REG!! We're having a contest to see who can design an awesome logo for our site. Though we may seem creative, we're not. We need your help! We need to get rid of the JV generic brand logo we have right now. Submit you're ideas to sportsonthereg@gmail.com, or if you know us personally, just give it to us. The winner will receive a $20 gift card to the national chain store or restaurant of their choosing. I'm talking mad money here folks. I can't stress to you enough how important your submissions are because we are totally clueless. Don't be shy. We will greatly appreciate anything we get.

Notre Dame to the Big Ten?

I forget who said it on ESPN this morning, but apparently the Irish might be joining the Big Ten. I'm saying it's about fucking time. No more NBC TV coverage every single fucking week. Nobody wants to watch a shitty Notre Dame team play shitty teams every week when good games are being blacked out. That pisses me off so much. They need to finally man up and join a conference and stop being so JV and pretentious.